I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
