are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
