his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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