Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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