my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
