do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
