why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
