I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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