Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You're a waste of cheezeits
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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