i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Randomize
