every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
