When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
