dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
