so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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