I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
