The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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