I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
