You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
