and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
