After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
