dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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