i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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