Just fell off a train. Bad.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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