Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
