he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just forgot I was standing up.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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