I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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