im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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