I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
