his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
