Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
