I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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