I'm so fucking centered right now
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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