Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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