ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
