Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
