We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
