Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
