If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
