In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
