hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
