If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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