i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
