I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
