i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
