god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Randomize
