why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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