Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
