I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
