this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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