Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
